thanks, hank...

last night, i looked over my books and tried to decide which ones to take on vacation... i spotted a book by henri nouwen called a cry for mercy... it is a book of prayers he wrote while in a monastery... i used one of the prayers during a sermon in seminary for my preaching class... since then, it is one of those books that i can pick up, read a prayer or two and gain some insight... sometimes they are just a quick read and sometimes they have more impact than i had bargained for... there is not one for everyday... but i like to find the prayer that is closest to the present date...

there is a prayer for may 13... and here's what it said,

"Dear Lord, I bring before You all the people who experience failure in their search for a creative, affectionate relationship. Many single people feel lonely and unable to sustain a friendship for a long period of time; many married people feel frustrated in their marriage and separate to go different ways; many children cannot speak to their parents; and many parents have become afraid of their children. All around me I see the hunger for love and the inability to experience it in a deep and lasting way.

O Lord, look with favor on us, your people, and impart your love to us - not as an idea or concept, but as a lived experience. We can only love each other because You have loved us first. Let us know that first love so that we can see all human love as a reflection of a greater love, a love without conditions and limitations.

Heal those who feel hurt in their most intimate self, who feel rejected, misunderstood, or even misused. Show them your healing love and help them on the way to forgiveness and reconciliation. Amen"

phantom faucet...

in our bathroom at work, there is a crazy sink... it's been defective since before i started working here... until the last week or so, the handle had to be in just the right position for water to not continue to drip from the spout. it's continued to get worse and the last few days have been my favorite...

i had decided to quit using that particular sink as there are three others and one time i could not get it to stop running...

so the last few times i've used the sink i opted for the middle one... and the weird part is, when i turn on the middle sink, water comes rushing out of it as well as the broken sink... same is true for the far left one... it's the phantom faucet... i think it's just tied to the same water as the other sinks but it's a weird feeling to turn on one faucet and for water to come from 2 spouts...

the story would be so much better as a video...

i wonder if there is a spiritual correlation that i can tie to it... maybe "when we are pouring out our lives, it will cause others to pour out their lives?"... maybe not... how about: "beware ghosts in the bathroom?"... not likely... i'll choose: "be in tune with the Lord and try to be like Him at all times..." seems the best option of the 3...

that's all i've got for today... just for the record, things are good.

a few little pieces of random... without the painful side effects...

you can blame me for the rain... for the last 3 days i've been listening to one of my favorite cd's which just happens to be called, "songs for a rainy day..." so it's probably my fault... i'm just so into songs about rain right now...

i'm also very into gnomes... i even got a new gnome bag that i carry as a purse... it says "have a nice day" - i mean it... i really hope you do...

i went to driving school the other night... it keeps a ticket off my record... so i'm down with that... a lady was explaining a scenario and said (exact quote)... i like merging well... "i think it's important to merge well..." i have to say that i agree with her... i love an appropriate merge...

i went to my first lacrosse game tonight... a few of my girls were playing on opposite teams... i don't know much about lacrosse, but maybe that will change over the next few weeks... i'm pretty amazed at their skill...

i've gone mad for march madness... i love this time of year... i love checking the scores and my brackets... i don't ever really have a great bracket... but i still love it... maybe it's the chance to be competitive without actually playing anything...

i don't know why i haven't gone home yet... it's way past time... so i guess that means i'm out!!!

only God can judge you, ruth... back off joshua

i don't know why i have always been a big fan of going out for lunch... maybe it's because i like the break in the monotony of a day... my a.d.d. has never been a big fan of routine...

there's nothing better than an outdoor lunch in the spring or fall. sun shining with a blend of gentle breeze... the contrast between the sun beating down on a leg or an arm, almost burning, mixed with a wind that will chill to the bone... there's nothing like it...

it seems that lately people have felt the need to engage in small talk with me. complete strangers feel compelled to comment on the weather or the length of the waiting line or the food selection. it happens to me a lot when i'm at lunch alone. i always thought i was more unapproachable than that (not something i'm proud of, just something i thought about myself)... maybe they think i'm lonely... maybe they lead lives of quiet desperation, too... maybe they're just nice people... today i liked her accent and were i not so set on being a loner, we might have become friends... maybe not...

i am nervous about the upcoming months... new challenges can be exciting and they can also be terrifying... today, for me, it's as blended as the sun and wind during lunch... i've never been so excited to potentially do what has brought me more joy than anything i've done since i moved to nashville, even if it's only 5 hours a week. i've decided that i will put all of the effort i can muster into it, even though all of that mustered effort should be applied toward the other 35. it's just new (sort of) and exciting (really).

at the same exact time, i'm terrified of failure and disappointing those who expect so much of me. what if they have taken a chance on me and i fall completely short of their expectations like i have done so many times before with prior expectation holders.

i've been thinking a lot about Ruth since Sunday... how, when she pledged her devotion to Naomi and Naomi's God (Yahweh), she was promised nothing in return. there was no hope or promise for anything other than a rough life of picking up other's leftovers and depending on the mercy of the community...

i've never been one to want to rely on the mercy of someone else and i hate leftovers...

ruth diligently served her dead-husband's-mother with unwaivering obedience and faith. even to do what seemed ridiculous...

because of God's faithfulness and Ruth's obedience, Ruth was given more than enough... even if it was only in the amount of leftovers she could gather... He didn't stop there... she was given more than i'm sure she could have ever imagined...

i struggle sometimes with feeling like i don't have what i want. we know the end of ruth's story... with Ruth, not only an honorable husband was provided, but a family and a place in the direct lineage of Jesus Christ.

how willing am i to struggle, knowing i am not promised anything and to remain faithful and obedient, regardless of the outcome? and not for the outcome... simply because God was faithful first, because He loved me first, because of His goodness, His mercy?

God, teach me to love leftovers and to not be "too good" in my heart to diligently serve others by picking them up... help me to hear what people are saying to me, even in the small talk... lead me to love others the way You love... sacrificially and unconditionally...

"at least you're okay..."

is the phrase i've heard more than a lot of times in the last 36 hours or so...

thursday night at about 6:30 cst, i was on my way home from work... i was driving down hillsboro rd., looked down for a moment, and looked back up to see traffic stopped for someone to turn... i slammed on my brakes and tried to not hit the car in front of me with no luck...

there was pretty extensive damage to my car... (i'll know next week what it is exactly.) the airbags broke my glasses (i was definitely wearing them)... no one was hurt - my injuries were the only ones and they were minor - my knee is bruised up and i have bruises and burns from the seatbelt and small burn on my nose from the airbag... my neck and head were hurting pretty bad that night and my back a little bit yesterday... (i went to the er and had xrays and a cat scan done)... so in that sense, i'm okay...

it was pretty rough for me... i cried a lot... i feel really responsible and it just seems to have come at a really bad time... but i'm glad that no one was seriously injured... i am going today to get everything i need out of my car... i am hoping to take some pictures of it and i also know that it will be rough to see it...

a lot of people were praying for me thursday and between that and the pain meds they gave me, the pain is a lot less severe than i know it could be right now... but i'm still pretty achy...

it was only me and one other car and the driver was extremely nice... i took the day off of work yesterday and slept most of the day... at least i'm okay... :)

the skating rink and jesus...

Last night the hs ministry went skating… I don’t remember the last time I wore roller skates, but I do remember my skating rink experiences as a child at after school care… and every time I think about them, I think about one story in particular…

My mom ran the after school program I went to in elementary school. When I was in 5^th grade, we went to the skating rink one afternoon a week. I loved going to the skating rink… it was fun hanging out with my friends, I could play my favorite video game at the time (a car racing one), I could get a big pickle to eat, not to mention the skating part… my favorite song that they played at the skating rink was “bust a move”…

There was this boy named alan who was always at the skating rink when we went… he was the cool kid at the skating rink with his cool skates… he worked at the skating rink or was friends with the people or had connections, because he could get up in the dj booth and pick the music… he was only my age or a year older than me and all of my friends thought he was really cute and talked about him incessantly…

That annoyed me… maybe it was because I wanted my friends’ attention or maybe it was because secretly, I wanted to like him but didn’t want to be like all my friends… I’ve never been a bandwagon kind of girl… I would talk about how much I hated him and how he wasn’t cute at all… and how annoying he was… I don’t think I believed any of those things in my heart, but that’s definitely what I said…

I went over to my mom who was standing with the lady who ran the other daycare who shared our day and started going on and on about that alan boy and how annoying it was that everyone thought he was cute… then I found out the truth… that lady who owned the other daycare was definitely his mom…

I was pretty embarrassed about it, but I didn’t really care because he was annoying and I was annoyed that all my friends only wanted to talk about him and not do fun stuff like eat pickles and play video games with me… I didn’t really hate him or anything, I just didn’t care that much about him… and I didn’t want to fight for his attention… I just wanted to skate and eat pickles and play video games…

One of the days I was playing my video game and he walked over and asked me if I wanted to go out or be his girlfriend or something to that effect… and I was elated… that might have been the only conversation we ever had, but I was so happy that he had chosen me… the next few weeks would definitely be filled with my mind wandering during Ms. Warren’s class while I made a cross with our initials written in the squares on my heart-designed lisa frank paper… the boy that every girl wanted had chosen me… suddenly it didn’t matter than I thought he was annoying and hated him… he chose me because he wanted to… and technically, since we never talked after that one time, i guess, we are actually still dating…

While I was at passion last week, I was challenged in many ways about my relationship with Christ. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the joy of simply having a relationship with Jesus. Somewhere along the way I’ve stopped feeling about Jesus the way I did when I wrote a cross with my initials and alan’s initials in the box on my heart paper. This morning as I was thinking about everything, my head went to Titus (of all places) and a passage of scripture that I heard many times in college…

Titus 3:3-7

“For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hop of eternal life.”

When I was in the 5^th grade, a boy named alan chose me and it brought joy to my little world... I had been in opposition to him and it didn’t matter… he chose me…

before I was born, God chose me (and I realized it 12 years later) and it is still bringing joy to my little world… even today… my life before God was in complete opposition to Him. I was disobedient, deceived, enslaved, malicious, envious, and hateful and it didn’t matter. He chose me…

letter to crazy kamikaze deer...

Dear crazy kamikaze deer,

I don't know what you were thinking when you decided to use my car as the means for your death. I mean, I know my car is great, and I think so, too. However, there are many other options that I feel would be better as a means to end your life. I'll list a few, so you'll know next time...

1) Hunters. They actually think it's good if you die. Plus, they're completely prepared to pick up the mess. And they probably don't scream when you run into their cars and cry a lot after you die.

2) Religious Mass Suicide by drinking cyanide-laced flavor-aid. It worked for Jim Jones. That way all of your friends could go with you at the same time. It's a community effort, not one deer dying alone at a time. Plus, all your friends WOULD be doing it...

3) Some other options could be drowning, suffocation, lethal injection, electric chair... all of these are great options...

If I were a crazy kamikaze suicide deer, I would definitely choose option 1. I have one friend in particular whose life would be much happier if you did. I would say thank you for choosing me, of all of the cars that drive down Murray Lane in a day, but I'm really not all that grateful for your choice. Regardless, I hope you have a wonderful life in the hereafter.

Sincerely,

Robyn

Here are the answers to the questions I've been asked:
1) I don't really know what kind of deer it was... I saw its face and eyeball (which will forever be in my brain), and as I drove by it this morning on my way to work, it definitely had 2 little antlers (is that what they're called?), so i'm guessing it was a teenage boy deer... you can let me know if i'm wrong... but that's what i'm going with right now...
2) Yes, the deer ran into my car while I was driving. It hit the front drivers side, causing me to be without a signal light and temporarily causing my drivers side door not to open. (Thanks to Shane for fixing it so it opens now.)
3) Yes, there is damage to my car. It could have been much worse. Had I spent 15 seconds more on my hair yesterday morning, I could have had much more damage, and from what i hear about deer accidents, I could have died. So, i guess it's a matter of perspective when it comes to the damage...
4) Yes, I left it on the side of the road. I did not attempt to get out of the car and look at it. I did not, for even the slightest moment, consider strapping it to the top of my car and taking it home. Do you know me? Why would you even ask if i would do that?
5) Yes, I believe it was dead when I left the scene. However, it had turned around on the side of the road by this morning. But it's still in the same place, so yes. I think its neck probably snapped when it hit my car. It spun all the way around and landed on the side of the road on the opposite side of the road...
6) Yes, I screamed when it happened. And I cried after it happened. And I think I said, "what the crap?" a lot...
7) Yes, I am okay. Thanks for caring about the deer more than me. :)

If you have additional questions, please feel free to ask.

What a great way to start a Sunday morning.